how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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