I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize