Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
