I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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