I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
