idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize