last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
