I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
