I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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