to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
