UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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