gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
