i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
