sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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