I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
