I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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