Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The uberlube is also flammable
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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