Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
