Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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