chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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