Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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