I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
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