before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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