The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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