Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
