3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
