you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
