I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
