I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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