I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
