Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
