Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
