Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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