He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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