If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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