Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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