just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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