Kiss
Puke
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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