I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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