did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
