My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize