Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
