I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
