he wants to bone in the snuggie
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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