he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
