i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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