If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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