I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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