Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
