Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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