it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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