ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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