So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
