Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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