mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize