Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
