Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
