i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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