If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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