She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
