I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
this hospital has no fireball
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Drunk is not a location!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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