have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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